Toothbrushes have gone missing all across campus, and the results have been felt instantly. Weather.com reports that the muggy feeling in the air is not humidity, but rather the collective stench of thousands of students with bad breath.
Meanwhile, theories run rampant as to what exactly happened to the toothbrushes:
According to high-ranking scientific mind George W. Bush:
"We've been warned about it, but we didn't listen. We didn't believe that the bird flu would be able to mutate this fast, and now the toothbrushes have suffered. The loss of toothbrushes is a heavy blow to our nation, but WE WILL NOT COWER in the face of such CHINESE TERRORISM. At 10:00 a.m. this morning, I signed an executive order for Operation Brush and Awe, a swift nucular campaign against the Chinese evildoers."
A local Catholic priest has another theory:
"God is punishing us for our evil acts! By taking our toothbrushes so suddenly and so soon, the impact of the loss is shocking, and will cause many to convert to Catholicism, in the hope of one day seeing their toothbrushes again in the next life! REPENT!"
According to Hillary Clinton:
"OBAMA DID IT!"
According to Barack Obama:
"I believe in a nation that will one day have toothbrushes of every color of the rainbow to wipe the plaque off their teeth every morning. This is not their presidency; this is OUR presidency. It's time for a change! It's time for toothbrushes! We will live in a nation where toothbrushes can thrive once more peacefully without fear of persecution! YES WE CAN!"
According to a mysterious ransom note left on the cubby of a freshman:
"giVE uS teN THoUSanD dOLlArs oR yoU'Ll neVEr seE youR TooTHBruSH aGAin."
Said freshman proceeded to buy a new toothbrush from the bookstore for $1.39.
According to an upperclassman:
"Dude, you guyz are laaame! This happens EVERY FREAKING YEAR, and your student fellows didn't even tell you about it! HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA! FRESHMEN SUCK!"
Whatever the reason for it, bad breath will plague campus for the next day. Please remember to carry gas masks around with you.
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6 comments:
good thing mouthwash exists....
haha i like this one
What is up with the mention of Chinese terrorism and the evildoers in China? Is it because the bird flu caused such a huge fuss in China a few years ago? If that's the case, it isn't as if China is the place that orchestrated this disease in order to spread it around the world. This post is trying to be funny and fails. After all, what did China have to do with the avian flu?
dude... i understand how you feel... but this post is a JOKE (like literally, a satire of the toothbrush scandal)....
lighten up
Well Jason, lots of people assume that bird flu started in China thanks to the skewed way that American media presents certain issues. So it's too bad for them that they're ignorant.
I really miss my toothbrush :(
this was SO not funny.
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